Sacrificed & Reclaimed - the Soldier's Daring Widow Page 5

  Surprised by his son’s questions as much as the eagerness in his voice, Edward swallowed, contemplating how best to answer. For a moment, he looked up at Derek, who merely shook his head, a pleased smile on his face. “Well,” Edward began, grasping for words. “I was injured, and I wasn’t awake when they found me and declared me dead. I could not tell them.”

  Matthew nodded, understanding clear in his eyes. Then he looked at his father’s leg. “What is wrong with your leg?”

  Edward sighed, “I can no longer bend it at the knee. It makes walking−and kneeling−a bit difficult.”

  Fascinated, Matthew took a step closer, his eyes examining his father’s leg. Then he felt his own knee, stretching it, and tried to walk without bending it. “It sure is difficult,” he observed, his gaze shifting back to his father, a touch of pride in his eyes that stole the breath from Edward’s lungs.

  “Can ye still run?” Matthew enquired, his gaze aglow with eager curiosity.

  Edward drew in a deep breath. “I haven’t tried,” he admitted, ashamed to reveal his shortcomings to his son. Even if he was too young still, one day, he would be disappointed to have a father with such limitations, especially when his father had been the one to bring them onto himself.

  “Can ye climb a tree?” Matthew continued, a deep smile coming to his little face as he took a step toward his father. “I used to climb the tree by our cottage every day until it fell in the storm.” A tinge of sadness came to his eyes. “’Twas the perfect tree. There’s none like it.”

  “Did you not just tell us that you found another?” Derek asked from behind.

  Looking over his shoulder at his uncle, Matthew nodded, an encouraged smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “’Tis not as good as the old one, but I think it’ll be fun to learn how to climb it.”

  Smiling, Derek nodded. “Why don’t you show it to your father?”

  Again, Edward cringed, feeling his opportunity for departure retreat into the distance. Judging from the insistent look in his friend’s eyes, he felt certain that Derek would not give him a chance to steal away any time soon. If at all.

  Before Edward knew what was happening, he found himself hobbling down the stairs and rounding the manor house, following in his son’s wake as the boy eagerly pointed out a tree among many toward the back of the estate. “Ain’t it wonderful?” Matthew beamed as his eyes slid upward, from branch to branch, until they reached the top, gently swaying in the breeze.

  Edward drew in a deep breath, contemplating what to say. However, before he could make up his mind, his son approached the tree and skillfully swung himself up onto the first branch, pride glowing in his warm eyes.

  “I want to climb, too,” Erin chirped beside Edward, her pale blue eyes shifting back and forth between her brother and him. “I want to climb, too,” she repeated before one hand tugged on Edward’s sleeve while the other pointed at her brother.

  Overwhelmed, Edward sucked in a sharp breath, his gaze shifting to meet Derek’s.

  With an amused grin on his face, his friend merely shook his head, and Edward realised that he was on his own. Derek would not interfere, would not help him.

  After all, he was not their father.

  Turning to his little daughter, Edward caught sight of Meagan standing with Derek’s wife not too far on a small slope, their faces turned toward him and the children.

  As his heart sped up, Edward forced steady breaths down his lungs before he wrenched his gaze away and knelt in front of his daughter, looking into her little face. “I know ye want to climb, too, Erin.” Her name on his tongue felt heavenly. When had he last spoken it out loud?

  Ages ago.

  Nodding her little head, Erin watched him carefully, her eyes round as she held his gaze, her own holding a touch of apprehension. However, she did not back away.

  “’Tis no fun staying behind, is it?” he asked, noting a small stab in his heart when he remembered his own desire for adventure and what it had cost him.

  His daughter shook her head. “Matt always gets to climb, but not me. ‘Tis not fair.”

  Pushing all troubling thoughts aside, Edward nodded, feeling the sudden urge to reach out to her and pull her into the comfort of his arms. However, he did not. After all, who was he to her? Only a stranger. “I know ‘tis not easy, little Erin,” Edward replied, unable to keep himself from speaking her name. “But ye’re not old enough yet.” Her little shoulders slumped, and Edward wanted nothing more but to promise her the world if only she would smile again. “Listen, when your brother was younger, he wasn’t allowed to climb, either. Soon, your arms and legs will be long enough, and then you’ll be able to join him.” A small spark of hope came to her blue eyes. “I will teach ye.”

  The moment the words left his lips, Edward froze, cursing himself for allowing his heart to speak such words. Was he not still intent on leaving? Shaking his head, he knew that every moment he stayed would only make it worse once he did leave.

  Then stay, his heart whispered.

  Gritting his teeth against the onslaught of hope that suddenly surged through his being, Edward rose to his feet. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of his wife walking toward him, her eyes fixed on him, a soft smile−full of hope−shining on her face.

  Instantly, panic seized him. Turning to Derek, he knew that his friend would never allow him to leave. However, in that moment, Edward could only think about putting a safe distance between himself and his family. “I’d rather return to the house,” he said, noting the calculating frown that came to Derek’s eyes, “and change and shave. I ought to have done so before but…”

  Derek inhaled a slow breath before he nodded. “All right. Go on ahead. I shall be right there.” He took a step closer, his hard gaze drilling into Edward’s. “I swear if you think of taking off, I will hunt you down like a dog, do you understand?”

  Nodding, Edward could not help but smile. “Ye’ve always had a way with words, my friend. I’ve missed ye.”

  Derek’s gaze narrowed. “Do not try to distract me. I meant what I said.”

  “I know,” Edward replied before he turned toward the house. Casting a hesitant glance over his shoulder, he took note of the disappointment that came to his wife’s gaze as he walked away.

  Coward, something deep inside him whispered, and yet, Edward could not still his feet. As much as he loved his family, he feared them nonetheless. Feared their love and the life they offered him.

  “Father!”

  Matthew’s voice felt like a slap in the face, and Edward almost lost his step, leaning heavily on his cane to keep from falling. Once more glancing over his shoulder, he saw his son’s face high up in the tree as he gazed down at Derek, listening to his words of comfort.

  He’s much better at this than me, Edward thought, wondering if he simply should keep walking…no matter what the consequences.

  Chapter Eight − A Walk

  Swallowing, Meagan stared after her husband as he hobbled away toward the house, leaning heavily on his cane as though his legs barely managed to hold him up. The sight of his injury pained her, and yet, it had been the look in his eyes that had sent an even deeper pain to her heart. More than anything, he seemed broken inside as though he carried a wound invisible to the naked eye.

  A wound she feared would never heal.

  Did he even want it to heal?

  “He’s overwhelmed,” Derek spoke out beside her, his gaze shifting from his wife to her. “He was gone for so long, and I don’t think he ever believed he would return.”

  Madeline nodded, slipping her arm through her husband’s. “He seems haunted,” she agreed, seeking Meagan’s gaze. “He needs your help.”

  Meagan drew in a deep breath and wrenched her gaze away from the house once her husband had disappeared inside. Glancing at her son climbing down the tall tree, she met Derek’s gaze. “He thought we were married,” she whispered, careful not to speak too loudly so her children would not overhear. “He thoug
ht I was your wife.”

  Exchanging a glance with Madeline, Derek nodded. “I thought he did. Someone back home must have said something to him. Something that made him think so. After all, how else would he have known where to look for you?”

  For a moment, Meagan closed her eyes, imagining the days her husband had spent believing her married to his best friend. The man she had known would never have believed such a thing. He would have known that he was the only one she had ever loved. The only one she would ever love.

  Oh, how he had changed! At his core, was he even still the man who held her heart? Or had that man perished on the continent?

  “I shall see to him,” Derek promised, nodding to her. “Don’t worry.” Then he walked back toward the house, his wife by his side, their heads bent toward one another in confidence.

  Meagan sighed. Once upon a time, she and Edward had been like that as well. Would they ever get it back?

  Feeling a slight tug on her sleeve, Meagan looked down at her daughter. “Are ye all right, my sweet?” she asked, brushing a tender hand over Erin’s blond head.

  With wide eyes, her daughter stared at her. “Is that man truly our father?”

  Inhaling deeply, Meagan nodded, a soft smile on her face as she knelt and drew her daughter into her arms. “He is, my sweet. I know ye don’t remember him,” she said before leaning back and meeting her daughter’s eyes, “but he loves ye very much. And he’s done what he could to return home to ye…to us.”

  “Mother! Mother!”

  Lifting her head, Meagan watched her son jump from the lowest branch and land safely on the ground before sprinting toward her. “Father is back! Did ye see? He’s back!” A glowing smile rested on his face, and eagerness bubbled under his skin, and in that moment, Meagan realised how much he had missed his father. Unlike Erin, he had memories of a man who had carried him around on his shoulders, chased him up and down the hill, tucked him into bed and told him stories of lands faraway.

  No matter her own state of mind, her doubts and fears, Meagan knew that for her children she would have to find a way to mend whatever had broken within her husband. Although his body had returned, his mind and heart seemed to be struggling as though they wished for nothing more than an instant departure. Meagan could not say what it was, but there had been something in the way he had looked at her that had sent a cold fear through her body…as though he did not intend to stay.

  Holding a hand out to each of her children, Meagan walked with them back to the house and bade them sit down on the settee in the drawing room. Then she took a chair opposite them and tried her best to answer the many questions they had.

  “I cannot say what happened,” she admitted, meeting her son’s gaze openly. “Your father only just returned this mornin’, and I haven’t had a chance to speak to him…in detail.”

  “Uncle Derek said Father had been lost,” Matthew informed her, a touch of pride in his brown eyes to be the only one with such information. “They thought he had died, and he was not awake to tell him he wasn’t dead.”

  Meagan swallowed, trying to hide her emotions at the thought of how close her husband had come to dying. Even after she had believed him dead for over two years, the thought sent goose bumps up and down her arms and she felt sick in the pit of her stomach. “Yes, there must have been some mistake,” she agreed, ignoring the nausea that threatened to rise in her throat. “I’m very sorry that it happened, that we were made to believe that he had died.” Reaching out, she grasped her children’s hands. “I know it wasn’t easy for ye, and I’m proud that ye welcomed him back with open hearts.”

  While Erin looked somewhat forlorn, Matthew beamed with joy.

  “I know that we’re all happy that he’s back,” she continued, knowing that her children’s expectations would likely soon be disappointed when they realised that their father was not the man he had once been. “However, ye must understand that your father has been through a lot. War changes a man in many ways that we might not be able to understand.”

  Matthew nodded. “He told me his leg is hurt. He cannot bend it.”

  “Yes, his leg was hurt,” Meagan said, nodding to her son, “but that is not what I meant. There are worse injuries than those of the body. Fear may live in his heart now, and that is somethin’ that cannot be easily healed.”

  “What kind of fear?” Matthew asked, his little face scrunched up as his mind worked to understand.

  Meagan shrugged. “I don’t know. There are many different kinds. Do ye remember when we first arrived here and ye fell out of the tree?” Matthew nodded. “For weeks ye were afraid to go near it, and ye relived the moment ye fell again and again in your dreams.”

  Matthew sighed, his eyes overshadowed. “It felt like I was falling all over again. ‘Twas just as bad as the first time.”

  Squeezing her son’s hand, Meagan nodded. “Whatever your father has been through, it might still live in his dreams, and it will take great courage to overcome. We must be patient and not be disheartened if he seems different than we remember him.” As she looked into her children’s faces, their little heads bobbing up and down, Meagan could only hope that she herself possessed such strength. What if she could not recognise the man she had once loved in the man before her?

  ***

  Looking at himself in the mirror, his face scrubbed clean, his beard shaved off, his hair cut and brushed neatly, Edward barely recognised himself. Although he had never truly seen his own dishevelled appearance beyond having it reflected in the eyes of others, he knew that the man who looked back at him in the mirror was not the man he had become.

  Once, it had been him.

  However, since then, a lot had happened, changing him in ways that ought to be visible, ought they not? And yet, as he stared at his face, Edward could not see the darkness he knew now lived in his heart. There was nothing to warn others, to alert them to the change he had undergone. Nothing to tell his family that he was no longer the man they remembered.

  “Are you ready?” Derek asked beside him, gesturing toward the door. “Madeline said they’re downstairs in the drawing room.”

  Edward swallowed. “I don’t know if−”

  “But I do,” his friend interrupted, gently but insistently guiding him out the door. “I know you’re afraid, but if you do not face them now, the apprehension will only get worse. It is better to meet it head-on.”

  Hobbling awkwardly down the stairs, Edward cringed at the thought of what his friend might think of him. Did he pity him? Edward did not dare look in his eyes. Maybe not knowing was preferable to the truth. Then why did ye come? A voice deep inside whispered. Why did ye not fling yourself off the cliff?

  Stopping in front of the drawing room, Derek reached out to open the door. “You’re not alone in this. Meagan is as frightened as you are. Don’t forget that?” Then his friend swung open the door and all but pushed him inside, shutting him in with the family he had thought he would never see again.

  Wide eyes turned to him, taking in his changed appearance.

  While his children looked pleased, searching his face, Meagan stared at him in shock as though she had not truly realised before that very moment that he had returned. What would she think once she saw the man he had become deep within? Would she turn from him then?

  Once again, Edward knew he ought to leave. Not only to spare them−and himself−the disappointment that was sure to come, but also to protect the beautiful memories they had once created together. Would they not also be tainted by the disappointments that awaited them? Would his selfish return not rob them of everything they held dear?

  “Father,” his son exclaimed, breaking the silence. “I do remember ye better now.” With a child’s honesty, Matthew rose from the settee and stepped toward him, a large smile on his face.

  Edward nodded. “I believe ye. Again, I apologise for not shaving beforehand. However, I never meant to−” Swallowing, Edward broke off, realising that he had almost said too much.

/>   Fatigue clawed at his mind, and despite the quick meal Derek had brought up to him, he felt his strength dwindling. His vision blurred, and his knees felt as though they would give in at any moment.

  “Why don’t you two go and visit Bessy in the kitchen?” he heard his wife say, her voice sounding strangely distant. “I need a moment to speak to your father.”

  Small feet shuffled past him, and Edward heard the door open and close. However, it was not until he felt his wife’s hand come down to lay gently−almost hesitantly−on his arm that he realised he was wide awake.

  His eyes flew opened, and his arm jerked back as though burnt. Staring at his wife, her own eyes wide with shock, Edward swallowed, his skin tingling with the familiar hum he had always felt when near her. Why had he not felt it before? Or had he simply not noticed?

  “Why don’t ye sit down?” Meagan suggested, her voice shaky as she gestured to the settee. “Ye look as though ye might keel over.”

  Doing as he was bid, Edward could not help the shame that crept up his cheeks as he sat with his leg stretched before him. What did she think of the man she had married? Was there a part of her that regretted his return? A part of her that wished he was dead after all?

  “I do not know where to begin,” she whispered, her blue eyes fixed on his face as she sat down opposite him, maintaining a careful distance between them. “I’ve dreamed of this moment, but I never thought…” Sighing, she shook her head.

  Unbidden, Edward’s heart rejoiced at her words, giving him false hope. “As have I,” he replied, unable to silence himself.

  A soft smile came to her face. “We’re not the same anymore, are we? A lot has happened.”

  Edward nodded, forcing himself to speak, afraid of the painful silence that might descend upon them at any moment. “Ye did well…with the children.” Carefully, he lifted his eyes and met her gaze. “They look well. They’ve grown strong and kind. Ye’ve been a great mother to them.”

  “I did my best,” she replied, averting her gaze as though his praise bothered her. “But it hasn’t always been easy.”